THE LORD OF THE OIL

Many things have changed� I can see it from the exhaust pipes� I can taste it in the non-purified water� I can smell it in the city� Many things that once were are now lost for none possess the brain capacity to remember� It began with the creation of the energy sources: coal was initially given to those of Russia and France - palest and coldest of all, hydroelectric to the British and Israelis - great somethings, and solar to those of America - who above all desired power. But they were all deceived� for upon the velvety cushion of Saddam's throne a master source was created, oil - one substance to fuel them all.
One by one the civilizations of the Middle East fell, but there were some who resisted� a final alliance of UN troops marched against the forces of Saddam and on the barren deserts of Iraq they fought for the freedom of the Middle East. The battle was short and the forces of the UN were victorious within 100 hours of mindless slaughter. It was in this one moment that President Bush Senior had the chance to destroy the oil forever, but the wills of Americans are easily dominated. He took the oil and failed to get reelected. During the time in which Clinton was in office nothing happened and everyone got bored. American IQs dropped by 37.2888 percent. History turned to myth. Myth turned to Legend�

The Fellowship of the Oil

The great nations of the world (when I say world I mean North America and some select countries of Europe because, in reality, what else is there?) got together and were whining at the secret meeting of the UN about the oil. The president of the US, George Dubya Bush, suddenly stood up at the meeting and declared, "I will take the oil� but I do not know the way." All the other members of the UN were silenced in astonishment.
"And what would an American know?" Demanded the French ambassador.
The British ambassador immediately stood up and said, "This is no mere American! It is George Dubya Bush, son of George Bush, the president of the US!"
In English so that the French would not understand, Dubya told the British ambassador to sit down, as he wanted to avoid confrontation since there is no honor in beating down a Frenchman. At this point the Russians were bored and shot at a barrel of oil. When the bullet shattered, the Israeli leader, head of the council, stated, "the oil cannot be dealt with by cheap Russian bullets� it must be taken back to Iraq and cast into the random hole from which it spouted."
"I want it!" Shouted the leader of Guatemala.
"I'll be dead before I see the oil in the hands of a Guatemalan!" Shouted the Canadians in retaliation. Everyone then stood up and started yelling until Dubya again said, "I'll take it." Everyone liked this idea now because America was the strongest country and Dubya was a moron who could do no wrong.
"I will help you bear this burden, Dubya Bush," said the English.
"If by my life or my death I can protect you, I will," agreed the Russians with crossed fingers. Several other pledges followed until the French ambassador yelled, "you have my rifle," at which point the UN security agents ran in and tackled him.
The head of the UN, shaking his head thought, "what a bunch of idiots� who elected these guys? What is the world coming to?" However, he actually said, "Nine companions� it is agreed then. You will be known as the Fellowship of the oil� NATO for short."
The members of NATO happily left the meeting but due to their distaste for one-another many dropped out until only few were remaining. "NATO has failed," declared the French.
"But what if we hold true to each other? Let's go hunt some terrorists!" Said Dubya.
The scene ends with the remaining members of NATO arming themselves to the teeth then calling their advisors in the middle of the night who hung up on them.

The Two Towers

Dubya insisted on the military going to war resulting in a bunch of guys dressed in attire resembling trees debating whether or not to go to war. These military officials talked using foreign words in their discussion that Dubya could not interpret - military terms and strategies. The military talked long and hard and eventually one of the more prestigious men turned to Dubya and said, "We have decided� we have decided that you are not a complete idiot incapable of logical thought."
This upset Dubya because they were taking so long to discuss. "That's it?" Replied Dubya.
"Calm down, master chief. The military takes a long time to do anything and if it's worth doing then it's worth taking a long time to do," said the military man. And so they all continued conversing while Dubya waited impatiently. Finally, after long hours of talk, the man turned back to Dubya and said, "It has been decided. The military will not go to war."
In an outrage Dubya tried to persuade the military otherwise by debating, "huh?"
"It's not our war," replied the military.
Before heading home Dubya tried one last tactic to change their minds when he preached, "I don't understand." All the military officials figured as much and started in their own separate ways.
Osama Binladden was in his adobe tower. He ordered all of the trees surrounding his tower to be torn down since they were blocking his scenic view of the desert and to fuel the production of the highly effective Taliban weapon of choice - the club. This, as well as other happenings, really released the flow of military anger and so they rallied against the adobe tower. Before Osama knew what was happening, numerous men in tree resembling attire surrounded and flooded out Osama and his forces.
Meanwhile, Saddam, in the tower of his royal palace continued to annoy everyone. One major annoyance was to his own people since they didn't like him constantly keeping tabs on them like a giant eye atop his tall tower making privacy impossible.

THE RETURN OF NATIONALISM

It came to pass that the war with Osama would conveniently extend to Saddam. Dubya's original plan to finally destroy the bane of the Middle East, oil, was to send two small and utterly helpless child-like beings to do the job on their own with the guidance of a very old, ugly and disgusting mutant obsessed with the oil. Fortunately this idea was abandoned because all of the very old, ugly disgusting mutants obsessed with oil were already too busy running the United States. Plan B involved a direct assault on Iraq. Unfortunately, during the secret UN meeting to rally support, France and Russia threatened to veto any UN support. France claimed that they were too tired of writing surrenders and the Russians explained their standpoint by pointing and laughing. The British, however, agreed to assist in the assault.
The assault began with a massive Tomahawk missile strike to try to assassinate Saddam. This failed for two reasons. The first reason is that there are approximately 45,607.23 Saddam Husseins in Baghdad and the military could not attack them all. The second reason is that due to protests by our nations' Native Americans, the launch was delayed 10 days while all Tomahawk missiles were renamed BOOM and repainted accordingly. The situation could be completely summed up when the British Ambassador said, "Bloody hell! The Deathstar is now the ultimate power in the universe!" Dubya then slapped him and said, "that are the wrong movie! You British are stupider than I is!"
At this point we near the end of this allusion to the Lord of the Rings since the situation is not yet resolved. Nevertheless, you can find out whether or not the oil is destroyed by watching the end on CNN or waiting until the winter of 2003 and watching The Return of the King. Meanwhile, I recommend that you promote solar power, hug a tree, eat deviled eggs, and cover your nose while you sneeze. Bless you.

By: Kyle Flanagan