A bucket of cheese, please

Random alteration by the likes of the Massa Matthew

Only at times of great desperation can we recall such memories. It is only at these times can I remember that small, inconceivable dog (his name Ralpho), who I left in the laundry hamper.

Yes, it was a cruel trick. But, for sure, he would not stop peeing in the back seat of the car. What else was I to do?

So, of course, the hamper was the only viable option. Dark, stinky, and more than anything, wet, made the place perfect for punishment. Alcatraz has nothin' on the dirty clothes hamper.

So that's when it happened. I stuffed him in, with a box of cracker jacks just to keep him healthy, and he, of course, regurgitated it all up, like a fountain of love.

So, I stuffed him down deeper, so he brushed up against my poopy underwear. Of course, I'm not sure why it was so poopy...afterwall, I don't poop. i ONLY PEE. So, it doesn't seem to right, but oh well, it was true. He smelled it an instantly went to work.

Cutting shrimp for his neighbor's dinner. YOu might ask, why would he do such a thing? Well, I did. He only replied in a nonchalant voice, "I love to cut. It makes me feel jumpy inside."

Well, after experiencing this alteration in reality, I took a quick crap, and then I went to the market to buy some spam. Of course, no one really likes spam, and neither do I, but, I'm like a real man, with two hands for machine guns, so I had to get some ammo. You know how that goes, right?

Yeah, I thought so. So, after the trip to the store I returned to the hamper to find not one, but three hundred thousand sea urchins. YOu might ask, what in the holy name of God would this suggest this sort of cheese cake. But then, I would say, uh, you are full of bacon.

So, of course, I went to the hamper, pried off the crusted cover (which was now heavily stocked with precooked sea food, sea urchin' style) and found the little puppy with a three handed sword. You might ask, wtf is going on? I would say, stop cursing.

And of course, I would slap you with a hand glove. And I did, with a vengeance. But the puppy would have nothing of it, and I worked up a lather with my left hand and shot himwith my right. It never occurred to me that the puppy was evil, but, of course he was.

I released the spirit back into the atmosphere and all the Earth rejoiced in a great splendor (I got free food too!) My crime fighting days may be over, but hey, a party is a party, and I partyed for three hundred days straight, with no stops. Except for bathroom break and the occasional cat nap.

So, thus ends my explanation into nothinghood. I hope you enjoyed it, feel utterly enlightened, and please, do take a breath mint on the way out. I can smell that dead hamster all the way from here.