Found on another person's platinum blogger:

Clubbed to death

Some of the interesting types of people I found in the clubbing crowds of Backroom, Hong Kong, on a Saturday night:

WOMEN

1. The Stick Insect Fashionista: Chinese women who wear something slit down between their breasts to their navels, with lots of hair and makeup. They smile a lot. They drink small cocktails and remain perched on their gwailo boyfriend's arm. They are tiny, and wear massively painful looking stilettos to prove it. Warning: they are not known to speak 'woman', as observations suggest they only know how to communicate with men.

2. The Pammy Wannabe Bitch: Chinese women who are pneumatic in the upper chest but have tiny waists and wear something slit down between their breasts to their navels, with lots and lots of hair and makeup. They drink a lot, laugh very loudly and dance as if they are looking for a hotel room (or the nearest pole). My guess is they usually do find one (the room, I mean), plus someone who is willing to pay for it. These are the women who will push you out of the queue in the loos, take forever to add on another inch of that makeup over the washbasin and will not 'hear' you if you happen to talk to them. They only drink whiskey or vodka.

3. The Wistful Giraffettes: Tall, beautifully dressed and sophisticated, these Caucasian women are reduced to dancing and drinking by themselves if they are stuck in the 'wrong' club as they are at least two feet taller than the Chinese male clientele. They are much better off in wine bars in SoHo, but it takes them a while to realise that.

4. The Puking Ladette: Small Caucasian women who have not yet figured out whether it is possible to have a night out without getting drunk or having a one night stand. Found dancing on top of the bar or in an alleyway looking very unwell. Can be heard from a mile off as their shrieking laughter is ear-piercing. Sometimes they can be relied on for sheer entertainment. They do very well with certain corresponding types of Caucasian male.

5. The Normal Girl: Regardless of ethnic origin, these ones are found sitting down, drinking a beer and wondering what the hell is going on. Unfortunately these are the ones who are the most reliable and dependable of friends, so they will always be asked to look after other people's bags/clothes/ciggies. They don't mind - they can't dance anyway. They will definitely make sure you get home all right, and they may even have enough money for the taxi ride. They have a boyfriend.

MEN

1. The Beckham-and-Neo Man: Chinese man who wears transparent sunglasses from Burberrys and shiny shirt or trousers. Always keeps his hair very well trimmed and gelled so it does not get ruffled while he is doing his funky dance routine. Warning: conversation takes time, as he will be on the phone (the latest Sony with a camera or some other gadget) every two minutes. Displays prominently white teeth when he smiles (which is very often). Will not be working as an investment banker or an IT consultant, despite all his gimmicks. Will wear very trendy shoes - but if you can spot where they're from, that means you've slept with him since this man will always be on the move. Drinks fancy cocktails and knows all the Stick Insect Fashionistas (he's probably gone out with a few).

2. The Hair Flicker: Tall Chinese man who has long-ish hair (think of the Calvin Klein male model). He is actually worthy of conversing with, as long as he speaks your language. He will pay for your drinks without making a fuss and may even order some more. Very stylish, very nice, and will smile a lot. After half an hour's worth of amazing conversation, where you think you really connect and isn't-he-so-lovely feelings abound, he will either (a) introduce to you his model girlfriend or, and this is more likely, (b) his model girlfriend will walk over to you. This is when he flicks his hair back. Drinks European beer or wine, whichever is the best in that bar. Usually the Normal Girls will have spotted these men while sitting down by herself.

3. The Latino Fiend: It doesn't matter if his skin is patently white, this Caucasian male will try out all things under the sun to serenade you if you are a girl. Wears shirt with ruffled neck and black Gucci loafers, and sports a crocodile smile. He will try to dance alongside you regardless of the music (but he prefers the Gypsy Kings). He will buy you drinks. He will tell you how beautiful you are. He will do everything but act like a normal guy. If your ego needs a boost, you need to find this man. He has two sidekicks who will handle the drinks, cigarettes and the money. Will urge you to have tequila shots or margueritas. Does very well with Pammy Wannabe Bitches.

4. The Happy Beer Dope: These Caucasian men come in all shapes and sizes, but the distinguishing characteristic is usually (a) a beer belly or (b) several beer bottles scattered around his near vicinity. They are very cheerful (sometimes Australian, but not always) and can be genuinely amusing. Contrary to popular belief, they do not always try out dodgy pick up lines but in fact usually try to be 'chummy' with the girls first. They either move in packs (in which case they will be singing like banshees) or in smaller groups of threes. If you are a girl, they will do their bit of gentlemanly honour by asking you what you would like for a drink, but they will probably 'forget' to pay for it later. Warning: they cannot, and should not be allowed to, dance.

5. The Normal Guy: Regardless of ethnic origin, this man will never look as if he tried to dress up for a night out. He may be wearing his smartest and cleanest shirt, but you wouldn't know that it is his smartest - you'll just wonder whether he goes to work in it. He will be quietly sitting in a corner drinking a beer and wondering what the hell is going on. He will make for interesting conversation but only if you strike it up first. He will on occasion be wearing glasses, have an 'executive' style hair parting and wear a t-shirt underneath his shirt. He will be the one who drags the boys home. If you're a girl, he will make sure you get home (even if it means a hike to the other side of town) or at least give you change for the taxi. He may or may not have a girlfriend - if he had one, he would be sitting there with her, if he doesn't have one, he'd still be sitting there by himself as he cannot dance.




I really thought Mike could utilize this.